Not Meant For This World

Times are tough. Life is rough. I have struggled deeply to find joy. I have worked so hard to be "normal", to help my kids have a "normal" experience. I know much of what I experienced wasn't that and I fantasized about how beautiful it would be to just be normal and have a normal life. I always thought if it didn't happen for me but could somehow happen for my kids that everything would balance out. I have tried and there's been progress made but there is much lacking yet. For one thing, when you really struggle, especially at a young age, sometimes you develop convictions that you can't ignore that force you NOT to be normal, that force you to teach your kids to not be normal. Also, I have not always had empathy for others. I was just in survival mode for a while but as I got older, I began to feel increasing amounts of empathy for others. I cry too much from feeling what other people feel. Sometimes they don't even want me to feel that or know that I feel that and sometimes I don't want to feel it but when I start to understand somebody's situation, I just feel deeply and can't turn it off and it makes me a little weird. Lately I've been thinking about how many times my family members are in situations where the cards are stacked against us. I can see a lot of effort going in but there's rarely the pay-off that we hope for, the pay-off that we dream of. No matter how much work is put in, the outcome is so often out of our control. There are others I see in the same boat, more and more people that have come to my attention. These are good people, the best people, that work and work and have admirable values and quietly try to share and instill those same values in those around them and they just can't seem to catch a break. I'm rooting them on and I'm hoping and praying that something will change so I can see them get to a place that makes it easier for them and easier for me to hope. Most of the time, that break never comes. I guess there's something valuable in this. People all around are STRUGGLING hard every day and they aren't catching breaks and they don't give up and they don't give in. Sure, they have down days that they just aren't feeling all of everything but they don't let it stop them from putting another foot down in front of the other and keep going. It gets windy, life messes with their balance, sometimes they even get knocked right down and they keep going. I feel love & gratitude for this and I wish there were a way to tell them that when they keep going, I have to as well. If they aren't giving up, I can't give up!!! But I still don't understand!!! And I get upset about all of this! I mentioned this to a close family friend yesterday and he said, "Not everybody is made for this world. If we're comfortable here, that's the reward. If we're uncomfortable here, that means that we're ultimately meant for something else and something better. I would rather be uncomfotable here." I don't know. I'm simmering on these things, unsure ultimately of what to make of them, unsure of how to fully feel peace, unsure of a lot of things. The thing that comes with certainty though is that countless good people struggle and many of them keep going in spite of any and all obstacles. The human spirit is a beautiful and incalculable entity. I do see miracles and sometimes the miracle is simply in the people that don't give up.