Looping

What's it like to have a 2nd child of mine attempt suicide? I don't believe there are words for it. I've spent hours wondering where to go from here. In the hospital, they try to make you feel like there's only one path and it's to hospitalize your child. I knew it wasn't right with the first child. 3 years later, taking her home was clearly was the right choice. This time I considered the inpatient option and they tried to get me signed up right away. I asked a lot of questions before I could agree and I found out they only let you see or talk to your child for 1 hour a day. That and a thorough discussion with my kid made me decide I didn't want to do it and then everybody at the hospital who seemed so friendly suddenly treats you differently and tries to "talk you into it" aggressively. I understand that it doesn't look like I can keep my child (or children) safe but I know them. They might not be okay but putting them into that environment would intensify, not solve their problems.

My heart aches for my kids. When will I know that they will be okay? One child got to a healthy place, said she was happy and now forgets to take her meds all the time and doesn't feel very good. If her having a glimpse of feeling good wasn't enough to keep her working hard to hold onto it, what can I do to motivate her to stay on her meds, especially when she lives out on her own? With my next child, he has dealt with intense physical issues for a couple of years and nobody can tell him what's wrong or help him feel physically better and I understand that he feels like it's a lot to handle. He's a master of telling us that he's hanging in there and leaving no signs that he's in crisis and then surprising us with thoughts & attempts of suicide. I don't believe he wants to die. I do strongly believe he'd like to witness an end to his pain and I don't know how to end it. I don't know how to be the right parent for the job and I wish I could be more, do more. I only know that my heart and soul and every moment I can give to these kids is what I will contribute in search of something better for them. I hope it's enough.

Hidden in plain sight

I realized this week that sometimes my judgments keep me from seeing what's really in front of me. I'm sure we all do it but it was a really concrete example of it. Several years ago, I tried my hand at stand up comedy for a while and got to know a lot of local comedians. This week my brother invited me to go to a comedy show. While we were waiting for it to start, I casually observed the surroundings. I saw the comedy club owner and he was rushing around getting things ready to go and I saw this really old guy helping get things ready as well. I thought it was nice that there was something for an old guy who loves comedy to do. He was setting up recording equipment and doing various other tasks. I observed him multiple times doing different things to prepare for the show. The show started. We saw a few different people doing some opening work. They then called a comedian I used to know and I was really looking forward to seeing him after many years of not seeing him. Much to my surprise, up came this "really old guy" that had been helping set up the show. He probably is 20 years older than me but that's not as old as I had perceived this man to be and the thing that bothered me is that I hadn't recognized him. I had watched him several times and never observed his face well enough to know it was him. I just thought it was an old guy and went on about my business. It makes me wonder what I miss out on seeing in other ways. For fun, here is a picture of what he looked like when I knew him better and what he looked like the night of the show.