Hesitant Compassion

Compassion is a beautiful trait I strive to have more of. There's something lately that made me more aware of ways I hesitate to practice compassion.

A woman in our neighborhood suddenly had some pretty intense physical challenges and a sign-up was sent around to provide dinners. I love this lady and these opportunities go fast so I immediately started to sign up but I had to commit to what I would bring and that sent my mind reeling quickly. I have some ideas about what my family likes but everybody's so different that I had many doubts about what I could make that somebody else would like. I started thinking about not finishing the sign up because I was scared maybe I can't cook anything she would like. I thought I could probably do okay making rice bowls and that I've made them in groups several times in the last 2 years and usually everybody has really liked them. Ingredients could be separate: rice, different veggies (I found a really yummy way to make broccoli and played it safe with pan-fried carrots), and steak.

When the day came, I added a jar of mild Korean barbecue sauce we like, made egg rolls for the side and added a couple kinds of treats. I had felt better about doing it once I committed to a food to bring but as the day arrived, I was really nervous. It's all self-doubt. I've been cooking since I was a teenager. It's not like I never cook but when it's going to people I don't know very well, I just start worrying about if what I'm capable of is adequate. I also always feel a little weird and like I don't really fit in so then I start wondering, what if this meal is so strange to her that it puts her over the edge on how she feels about me? She might think, "I thought she was a little weird but this??? Wow! This girl is fully crazy for sure!" I know that these are irrational thoughts but I still have them and I still worry and get so anxious. I realized I do this nearly every time I'm going to take somebody dinner, even extended family members. I hesitate to take dinners and sometimes don't, not because I don't like people or want to help, but because of my own self-doubts. I hope I can find a way to stop doing this so much. I don't want to not help just because of my own thought patterns. There is a happy lesson for me to learn from this particular instance. I tried to make things look nice so that even if she didn't like the food, she would know that we care. I put everything on a really cute tray and added a little vase of flowers and a card. She was the nicest about everything! This week she texted me updates about her recent doctor visit. This made me feel like maybe there's a new connection a little bit and that this opens a door to get to know each other a little better.

I hope I can focus more on finding ways to reach out to others without hesitating because of my doubts about myself.