Sacrifice

The best indication of how somebody feels about you is their willingness to sacrifice. Sacrifice isn't doing nice things that are convenient, although that is lovely.

It's doing things for you that aren't quick, convenient, or easy. When somebody has plenty going on in their own life and they sit with you for an hour because they know you're really sad or when somebody makes a homemade treat just because they know you love it, those are big and meaningful ways to show love. When somebody takes a day off from doing a hobby they normally do to specifically spend the time with you or when they ask for your input on a big decision and let you have an equal say, those are empowering things. When somebody does a hobby you like that they don't, it's easy to see that they must really love you.

When somebody lets you talk as long as you need about something that hurts, those are all great ways to sacrifice in a way that shows love. I don't always offer those things to other people, although I try. Sometimes I get busy or don't think about certain things and I don't sacrifice enough to send a clear message of love to my loved ones. This makes it easy for me to understand that people don't mean ill if they don't sacrifice for you. However, many examples of sacrifices I wrote about are things I don't actually experience very often so I'm not well-acquainted with what they feel like but I see some people do those things for others and I like to imagine what it would feel like if it were a regular thing. I have spent a lot of time feeling like something was missing from my life and now I can put my finger on it: sacrifice. Part of it is that I don't want to put anybody out ever so I haven't always allowed others to sacrifice for me.

I know now that without seeing somebody sacrifice for you regularly in some way, it's hard to feel like a priority. It also makes it easier to know that the Savior showed love in the greatest manner because he sacrificed his life. His level of sacrifice makes it impossible to question His love. This is what I've been considering lately.

Shift in Disagreements

Early on in my marriage, our disagreements were things like "You work too much" & the response "I'm building a career and establishing job security."

We didn't always see eye to eye about which extended family we'd be spending holidays or other events with. This weekend, I saw a real shift in things. Our only disagreement was about how nanobots and nanoparticles work. Last week I'd heard about some uses for them and my husband said there's no cost efficient way to power them for the uses I talked to him about. I spent some time learning more about the subject and told my husband all the ways they could be powered and he said just because they technically can be powered in those ways, it doesn't mean that it's to a point that they are being used in those ways. He pointed out the roadblocks that widespread use of nanotechnology would present.

I sat there for a minute and couldn't remember the last time we'd disagreed about getting together with extended family or the last time I gave him a hard time about his work schedule, even though he's recently been working another job, too. We never argue about toothpaste or toilet seats or what to watch or where to go for dinner. However, we can have a fired-up go-round about nanotechnology. That's a funny and entertaining twist of fate.

Narcissism

I stumbled across a psychologist that does YouTube videos about mental health. Some of his videos were just what I needed to understand some of the people in my life. He does several videos on narcissism and just to hear him so eloquently discuss this and the damage it causes felt incredible. It's nice to pinpoint moments in time in which we feel understood.

Everybody who knows one particular member of the extended family knows and agrees he's a narcissist but I didn't know it was a mental health disorder or that there have been studies that document the harm it does to others in the family. This has been helpful & eye-opening! The videos themselves were enlightening but I'm a comments girl. I come for the information and stay for the comments and they did not disappoint.

Some people talked about getting these people out of their lives completely and some talk about finding ways to deal with these people but create a little bit of distance. The doctor has a particular video about how to deal with them but all the efforts are actually a little bit exhausting and I've tried several of them in the past. He said one particular thing that really sticks with me: Narcissism is the only mental health condition that doesn't do any harm to the person who has it but it does a lot of harm to everybody else around them.

It's also one of hardest conditions to treat because those with it don't think there's anything wrong with them and they don't suffer from it personally. There's a funny thing though. I feel so much better after watching several of these videos. Nothing in my life changed. Feeling understood just made me feel more capable of dealing with everything and some burdens were lightened. That's kind of like real-life magic!

Some thoughts that aren't very organized...

I started reading Skip College, a book by Connor Boyack. When I got through the first chapter, which is written by John Taylor Gatto, I learned how we got the school system we have today. I learned the intended purpose was to produce obedient soldiers. It's well written but frustrating to fully consider.

As I did think about the things written and felt them ring true, I considered other things going on in my life. I considered our older children, their fights with the education system, employment, & independence. Our daughter moved out to live with a roommate. She enjoys her independence, especially not having to follow our house rules. This is giving her an opportunity to make her own rules and live according to her own thoughts and convictions. I want this for her.

She was also having some personality clashes with some family members. Sometimes these clashes affect us all because we're all there to feel the tension. This is often a larger part of family dynamics. However, things have been so rough for her financially. I don't have the perfect solution for her. She's always welcome to live here rent free with meals & it can ease some economical burdens but that alone might not best meet all of her current needs & wants. My son is sneaking into adulthood & considering his future. He has mentioned wanting to live at home for a while to save up but still wanting to move out to live on his own eventually. He's in less of a hurry to get out than my daughter.

For me growing up, I had conflicts with my dad that pushed me toward a need for independence and I went away to college right off. I wanted to be with my mom longer and I was trying to make careful financial decisions so I ended up with my parents for a bit after I got divorced. I did end up moving out as soon as I had a sound chance to do so & I really enjoyed living on my own with my daughter. These are just some of the personal circumstances that I consider as I really look to the bigger picture of understanding reasons for independence but wondering if extended families are meant to stay together in units as in days gone by???

Do the benefits of independence outweight the consequences of separation? Historically speaking, extended families have stayed together for far longer than they've separated. Even olden-day circumstances result in separation at times such as when Cain & his family departed for good from the rest of Adam & Eve's family. There are times when it's necessary for a split but there seems to be many benefits from staying together. Some people don't have the drive to go out and do everything it takes to make it on their own. I'm not talking about people unwilling to work who just want to be supported by others but people who do work hard but enjoy the community of extended family.

If people don't have the desire to just completely split, is that really so wrong or is it just fine to stay close to an ongoing support system for the long haul? To live long-term in an extended family scenario, there would be some basic principles for success. It takes boundaries, communication, and healthy life management tactics to build a utopian family setting, which never goes perfectly for any family. Families that can't do this and cause more damage than help wouldn't be the right fit. I guess I'm doing a poor job of expressing my thoughts with clarity so I will try one more time to summarize. I read about early education and it had a purpose of spreading ideas of "how life should be lived", using the education system to sell a proposed model of what life should be like. It wasn't the perfect model and it didn't derive from pure motives but it was presented, embraced, and implemented successfully. People are now being taught in school and in society "how life should be lived." One thing that is strongly pushed today is for people to live independently. There's this idea that becoming an adult means moving away from your family to make it on your own.

I just wonder how much of "how life should be lived" is propaganda. Why should families have to separate and live on their own? Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it does more harm than good but often times it can create a loving environment and sense of community that I think many kids miss out on today. Independence is sometimes just a form of separation, which creates isolation and loneliness. As my own children head into adulthood, their personalities, thoughts, and preferences are the main framework for how independently they do or will choose to live. However, if they ever do choose to embrace lingering in an extended family situation, I would want to view it as a strength and just one more way things can be done, not as a weakness that means they're not strong enough to branch out on their own.

Alligators and the 2nd Amendment

I do think people should have the right to own a gun, especially if it's nothing too crazy but something they can hunt with or use to feel like they can protect their family.

I've changed my personal stance about the use of a gun. I spent a lot of my younger years thinking I couldn't have shot somebody. However, once I had kids, I felt that if somebody messed with them, I wouldn't hesitate to use a gun on them. A few years ago, when my daughter was in a very compelling philosophy class, we started to discuss several thing related to this. I didn't change my stance right away but I thought about some aspects of it in a new way.

I went into parent-teacher conferences and met with her philosphy teacher and we randomly engaged in a thorough discussion about owning and using a gun. I again didn't change my mind right away but let the information simmer within me. He had some very interesting perspectives, which I won't attempt to summarize here because it was just too many points to cover in a short writing. Over time, I did start to feel like I had the answers and information I needed to let go of my willingness to use a gun on somebody. I know my own brain and don't know that I could live with the consequences of shooting somebody. I can still shoot a gun and go every once in a while with my brother and enjoy it. I still believe others should get to make this choice for themselves. There's one piece of information that came up this week that solidifies my belief in the 2nd amendment: did you know that alligators can climb trees?

That's not a problem where I live. I live in a desert. But that is a problem for people in Florida and that alone will make me a lifelong supporter of the right to bear arms! Alligators can climb trees! Yikes!