Little Tidbits

These are some of the things on my mind these days: 1)I'M SURPRISED I HAVE ANY FRIENDS...I try my best to be a kind and friendly person and yet there are times when I see myself in ways that I think others might see me and I'm surprised I have any friends.

Last Friday night, we met up with a bunch of friends from the neighborhood for a somewhat spontaneous get-together. The text had said there might be some volleyball, some card games, some board games. I've never gone to this particular kind of thing before so I interpreted it as you could play volleyball or you could play other things. We showed up and everybody was just playing volleyball and pressuring us to play. My son & hubbie were happy to play. They did great. I DON'T play volleyball. I've tried again and again. I have years of attempts. I played on a church team as a youth. I played in elementary, middle school, and high school (not on the school team, just playing regularly as an activity to do). I played a little after getting married. I have practiced with my boys in the last few years and I would still do that a little because it's meaningful to them but by this point in time, I don't dislike volleyball because I haven't tried enough. I dislike it because I genuinely dislike it and I've had enough experience to know.

I said, "Oh, I'm here to be a cheerleader" and tried to say no graciously. Some neighbors accepted that and went about their way but some were VERY pressuring. As I overthought this later (which I'm great at by the way), I realized that over the years, this isn't the first thing I've hesitated to participate in with some of these neighbors. There are some games I have offered to observe instead of play over the years at their homes or on campouts and things like that. I feel like I do willingly participate in most things but there are several games that came to my mind that I have hesitated to engage in. I can see how that could seem annoying to them. How do I still have any friends? I realized the root of it though. My family used to play games growing up and we were all expected to play. Most of us were happy to do it. However, if we didn't play in a way that was acceptable to my dad, he would yell at us, berate us, and sometimes throw things. It was scary and it didn't feel good. I think deep down, I do have a little bit of performance anxiety when it comes to playing games with people. I don't feel good enough at volleyball to want to reveal my weaknesses to the neighbors so I just don't want to play around them. Other games that I hesitate with are things that I feel afraid I won't be able to pick up or that I will do something humiliating during and I'm afraid of how people will react. This is a new epiphany for me so I don't know if this can get better or not but I can finally begin to understand why I hesitate. Most people have only played games for fun and even though I'm sure everybody has experienced things going awry, I hope most people have had a little less trauma from making mistakes at games. ************************************************************************************************ Next topic: I just finished the thesis for my master's degree and it's 42,827 words. What I've learned doing it is exponentially more, although wording all the things I've learned is hard to do. I love learning so deeply. I admit this has become an obsession for me and I don't yet know if it's a healthy obsession.

********************************************************************************* Finally, I had many things I wanted to write about but now that I'm sitting here doing it, the thoughts are gone for the most part. I guess this is it for today. It feels good to say I'm out of words for now.