We Forget to Keep Track of Who our Siblings Are

Like many, I lived at home until I was 18 and then moved away for college. I came home during the summer to work and save and met my future husband so I stayed at home until I got married and I didn't go back to college at that time. During my time at home, I felt like I got to know my siblings pretty well. My sister moved out when I was only 10 but I still had 10 years of living with her. For a few of those years, we shared a room, much to her dismay. My older brother lived at home until I was 14 when he served a religious mission for 2 years and was away training for the military somewhere near that time frame. I'm not great at remembering the chronology of it but I had felt like we were close and then he was gone and it was hard to have him away. My brother that's 2 years younger than me was at home with me until I moved out so we had 16 years in the same house and then my youngest brother is 6 years younger so he was 12 when I went away to college. I had at least 10 years of living with each sibling and I would say I felt like I know them pretty well but there are a few factors that make me realize I didn't and I don't now.

Here's a really sexy picture of us in the '80s looking fly and stuff. The first thing that makes me realize I didn't know them that well was that in those stages of development, most of us were really self-centered. Our home was also more on the dysfunctional side as well so we all kind of were in our own world, just trying to survive. We were affected by what our siblings did that dipped into our world but if they were doing things that didn't affect us much, the information didn't puncture into our world. I recently remembered that my brother that's 2 years younger had hip surgery when we were teenagers but as an adult, I didn't know anything about it. I called him and asked questions. He had been on crutches for almost his entire first year of junior high-that must have been so hard!!! And yet, somehow his challenges getting through his first year of junior high on crutches had not really affected me so I didn't know much about it until I asked recently. It affected him for hundreds of days and it took me more than 3 decades to even think to ask about it.

The other thing I've come to know over the last year is that when we move out, we think we know who our siblings are but then we forget to ever get all the little updates, even if we try to stay on top of major life events. We both change drastically and because we no longer live together, we don't know how the other person is changing and we don't even realize that neither of us is the same person anymore. We still have a history that we recall from time to time and a comfort level around each other but we don't realize that in many ways, we become strangers. To this day, my sister thinks I hate pink because I hated it when we grew up. The second my daughter was born (nearly 24 years ago), I started liking pink but my sister never got that update. I once made my brother spaghetti, which he liked when we were kids, and he ate it without saying a word but I found out that when he lived in Spain, he had so much spaghetti that he didn't want to eat it anymore. I didn't ever check in enough to get the updates and he was too nice to set me straight so he choked down a difficult meal. There are so many of these details that come up! Around a year ago, my brother asked if he could move in and my husband & I had already talked about it so we said sure! I thought I knew exactly what it would be like. After all, we'd already lived together! What more did I need to know? It's a funny thing. By then we had both spent more time living away from each other than living together. We'd lived together as kids. Both of us live very differently as adults and had NOT lived together under those circumstances so we're constantly learning a lot about each other. The surprises are often delightful! I had no idea that we, on our own time, had both researched so many of the same political things.

We have read many of the same books. We have pursued many of the same interests without really having given each other updates. Now that we see each other nearly every day, this information kind of shows up unprovoked. We are interested in many of the same subjects but come across slightly different information so we often teach each other little snippets that are interesting. We read enough different books that we sometimes get summaries on more books by swapping verbal reviews. We listen to different podcasts and talk about it. We both spend our time very differently from each other and very different from how we did as kids and there are many basics that we're always coming across. I do know his favorite color, what bands he likes, and his basic sleeping habits now but I'm learning stuff every day-did he like art growing up? Does he like art now? What did he think life would be like at this age? What has surprised him the most? Was he afraid of the spiders in our childhood basement? Is he afraid of spiders now? There's been a lot of catching up to do. However, every day I'm learning from him and I still have 3 more siblings to catch up with, too. They make varying levels of time for that to occur. My brother that is just 2 years younger, is a very emotion-evoking painter that does a stunning job on his paintings!!! I had no idea that he had that talent! He did always like to craft things but I remember him making and selling weapons at the junior high and getting called into the principal's office. I didn't realize that he'd taken an interest and pivoted it into a very useful and productive skill! It's great to see what he can do but I felt surprised by it! I need to do a better job of catching up with who my siblings are as adults!

I love when people (like in this picture) recreate a childhood photo as adults. The picture proves that in spite of all the things that are the same, there are clearly many things that are different, too, and I need to do a better job of mindfully taking inventory of the changes.

Why Many Worship Options Are Important

Last night I went to a free concert in my community that featured a Baptist choir. I have always loved hearing gospel music. The church I go to does not engage in the same music style but when I was a little kid and would go to parades downtown that had gospel choirs, those were my favorite floats.

I invited a few friends who did not want to attend. I invited my family members but they didn't want to attend. I felt comfortable going alone so I did. In some ways, it was nice to just absorb and reflect. In my religion and other religions, there have been times when accusations have been made (and sometimes confirmed) that somebody was silenced. This is a sad situation that I do NOT condone.

However, this is done because of bad decisions INDIVIDUALS make. It's not a policy contained in the doctrine of Jesus Christ. I don't choose to be Christian because of sidebars and personal politics. I choose to be Christian specifically because of the doctrine of Jesus Christ. This doctrine, in spite of what some may say or do, includes basing actions on LOVE and TOLERANCE and KINDNESS. Other religions embrace these virtues as well.

I feel like being Christian means we should prioritize these attributes. I fall short but I try to. Silencing church members or manipulating them isn't following Jesus Christ. In my religion, there is an implied conduct that is more on the quiet side for worship and I'm used to it. As I watched these Baptist singers though, I deeply appreciated another way. If ever a religion seems to NOT silence the members, this would be it. They cry out and that's embraced. They look up, raise their hands to the heavens, chorus up sermons and songs with "Amens" and "Praise the Lords". Their voices are welcomed, appreciated, and joined. Nobody is hushing them or shaming them or invalidating their feelings. I could see how beautiful this is! I could feel a power in it and I loved that! However, I also thought about myself trying to worship this way and it would be disengenuine simply because it's not my style. I wouldn't feel comfortable calling out or raising my arms above my head. If these were required to show devotion, I would fail because I'm more of a practice-spirituality-in-private kind of a person that goes to great lengths NOT to draw attention to myself. I want other people, who do find this form of worship to be natural, to have a right to worship this way. I enjoy experiencing it. I just don't think it's perfect for everybody. I don't believe my form of worship is perfect for everybody. Some need to share, call out "Amen!", and maybe even need to be standing up dancing to some music and I want their rights protected. Some people find their peace, balance, and reset out in nature.

I want to support variety and individual choice and appreciate how different options can provide the most benefit for seekers of truth and wisdom. I want to condemn silencing truth both in and out of religion. That's just manipulation and it's ugly. I've been to a variety of churches over the years and I hope to gain more experiences over time.

Real Friends

I just want to write about recent life experience. We've been in our neighborhood now for just shy of 10 years. There are some great people here & we have had good experiences. However, I can undeniably say my social experience always feels like there's a clear hierarchy and I'm NOT at the top. This bothers me sometimes more than others but it's always kind of an underlying thing.

There was one exception. For a few years, we started hanging out with the neighbors right behind us and they were SO MUCH like us. The husband had an upbringing that was very similar to mine and residual family dysfunction and the wife had a relatively healthy upbringing like my husband but they were very down-to-earth, compassionate in action, funny, and easy to be around for long periods of time. They were raising their kids in similar ways to us, had similar values and priorities, and were just very good-hearted people. Our families got together at least once or twice a month, talking, eating, watching movies, or going to community events. It felt very comfortable and because we had such a good social connection with them, it was easy to ignore the whole hierarchy thing that was prevalent in the rest of the neighborhood. These amazing creatures moved 4-5 years ago.

Now they live a 2-hour drive away. We do still see them and we have a great time when we get together. We've even stayed over at their house but we only see each other once, maybe twice a year instead of every month. Because we don't hang out regularly, the hierarchy here gets to me more. I've never lived in a place where people talk more about compassion and don't act upon it at all. In our previous neighborhood, nobody talked about compassion but everybody acted with compassion on a daily basis as just part on an ingrained lifestyle. The longer our good buddies have lived away, the more obvious it has become that we just aren't on the same page as the other people that live around us. These are good people but they constantly talk about and prioritize vacations and clothes and cars and hair and participation in sports and clubs and image overall. None of these are things that matter to me. I don't prioritize them, don't fit in due to any of these things, and don't enjoy talking about them either. I'm happy that so many neighbors take a lot of vacations but sometimes my husband & I make bets about how many times we will hear about people's trips when we get together and the actual number is always higher than we predict. It's gotten to be kind of a running joke. I want a vacation as much as anybody & I enjoy vacations but there are just so many things that get more concentration and effort.

We were recently invited to a Game Night with people from our previous neighborhood. These people have invited us to many things over the last few years and I've been struggling socially overall so I've declined in succession. However, we accepted this last invitation. We went over and saw several people I haven't seen for a while now, certainly more than a year and probably closer to two years. We chatted, had snacks, and played games. It felt like my world changed in one night-I had forgotten what it was like (or that it was even achievable) to be wholly accepted exactly as we are and embraced, encouraged, and valued unconditionally. I've valued my family in these ways and have often times found moments of this in our home but have not felt it outside of our home in a very long time. I really had forgotten that it was even a possibility. Feeling this way all the time would be so healing and freeing. We ARE trying to prepare to move back closer to our previous neighborhood and this was a discussion long before the Game Night. However, Game Night made us all the more engaged in the cause. There is no guarantee that moving back to a neighborhood like this will be the same as before but it is more likely to connect with others in terms of lifestyle and priorities. I'm mostly posting this as a reminder to myself that something so incredible is possible and that I don't want to lose it. Hopefully, this will be something we can pursue this year.