Honesty's a Lonely Word

Billy Joel has shared these words with us: Honesty is such a lonely word...Everyone is so untrue...Honesty is hardly ever heard...And mostly what I need from you.

My thoughts about honesty have evolved over time. I grew up with a dad who sometimes forced us kids to be dishonest. We had to make calls to people about why he couldn't follow through with plans made. We all hated doing that and it showed me a very ugly side of how it feels to be dishonest. Once I was an adult and living on my own, I made a commitment to always be honest. I figured I'm an adult and I make my own choices now so there's no reason to ever be dishonest.

Sometimes I make bad choices so being honest doesn't make me look good but there was still a reason why I made that choice so even if I look bad, I'll be honest 100% of the time. The older I get, the less I think life is black and white. Sometimes being honest hurts people. I could say, "Well, being honest is the right thing to do" and continue to be honest 100% of the time but hurting people isn't the right thing to do. When you're choosing between hurting somebody and being honest, what is the MOST right is less clear. I've also learned some people can handle honesty all of the time, even when it hurts but I would venture to say that more people CAN'T handle pure honesty. As soon as you get into the business of not being honest because you believe you are minimizing hurt to others though, it becomes a slippery slope.

Should you really be protecting them from the truth? Are you protecting them in the first place or are you just delaying an inevitable pain? What if they find out you weren't honest? Are you protecting somebody else with dishonesty or protecting yourself? Each situation will hold different answers and the answers get complex. It circles back to the only way to prevent these complications is to be honest 100% of the time.

However, being honest can cause some big problems and pains for other people and it can't be right to hurt people either. How does one find the balance? I have an example that caused me to process this. I have two friends that did what I would call an Intervention on me in the middle of January. I had turned down all their requests to get together. They threatened to kidnap me with my husband's knowledge and came pretty close to doing that. They asked me many questions I didn't want to answer and kind of wore me down until I shared a limited amount of information about some challenges I was facing. They told me what I should do about it and I disagreed. They said they'd be there for me as my support system and that they wanted to see me in a better place.

They never checked in on me (other than the "hi. how are you?" people use in passing) and never followed up until the end of August...7 1/2 months later. By then I had processed many complexities about myself, my situation, communication with them and other people. I knew that if they were truly concerned or if they truly wanted to help, it wouldn't take 7 1/2 months to follow up. By the time they did ask me how things we had talked about were going, I felt certain that the answer they wanted was not the truth. I chose to lie and said, "Everything's good. All those things we talked about have really turned around and it seems like the little details have kind of just worked themselves out." One of them noticably took a a huge sigh of relief. It could have been true relief for my sake but it seemed like relief that she wouldn't have to concern herself with any of my possible problems anymore.

It's been about 2 more months and I haven't heard from these people at all about anything other than little hellos. Overall, I feel like lying to them was the right thing. Idealistically, I still lean toward believing that lying was the wrong choice but as far as what I'm actually living with they seem happier after the lie and I feel happier seeing them relieved. This isn't a case of me lying about anything I'm doing such as drinking or abuse or any of those things-that is a whole separate can of worms. What I lied about is little things that I have no control over that don't affect them at all. I also want to mention that I don't have a problem with these friends. They are kind people who I believe want good things for all the people they know. Some people want the truth and won't be appeased with anything less but I believe that there are less people that desire to have that or even know what to do with it than there are people who don't want the whole truth. It's often called the Ugly Truth for a reason. I don't feel like a better person. I feel like I compromised something I believe in to protect other people but the feedback I received reinforced this evolved method of sharing (or not) truth with others. Billy Joel may have been right. Honesty might be an even lonelier word that I had thought it was.

It's the division that's killing me

The pandemic has been rough on everybody in some way. That's a guarantee. The thing that's killing me is the division. *Everybody should be wearing a mask vs. Nobody should force anybody to wear a mask.

*Everybody should get vaccinated vs. Nobody should say what goes into my body. *People who care about others get vaccinated vs. People who see past political facades stay unvaccinated. *People should be forced to vaccinate for the greater good vs. The government should never have the right to force vaccinations. *People who are unvaccinated are the reason this pandemic is still here vs. The truth is not being told about what dangers vaccinated people are facing.

And so on and so forth. That's not so incredibly different from the normal flow of whatever is going on in the world, even if it's a little more intense. What I'm really struggling with though is people within my own religion tearing people to pieces over these differences, publically saying how wrong the other side is, how right they are, who's the wheat and who's the tares, etc. It's fine to disagree. My experience in life almost makes me feel like a disagreement ambassador. People have always disagreed. They will always disagree. You can disagree without dividing. It just requires both sides respecting the other. What I see is many saying, "That's fine. You can have that opinion" and then saying or posting things to other friends belittling the opinion you have or the conclusions you've drawn.

I see people posting about disagreements they've had with people on social media and "I just wish I could get them to see it this way" type of comments. Why? If you feel so comfortable with the conclusions you've come to, why do you have time and energy to spend attacking somebody's conclusions that are different? Don't you have other things to worry about? You can belong to the same religion, come to different conclusions about many social or political issues and neither one of you have to be labeled right or wrong, righteous or apostate, caring or careless, humble or proud, etc. Really respecting and loving other people means that you still hold them in high regard, even if they have different opinions and approaches. You don't suddenly put them in a category of "people who are wrong or less or unrighteous or whatever". I'm just exhausted from the division. That's all.

Reading

I'm currently reading The Book of Lost Names by Kristin Harmel. It states this: "There's danger in being principled in the midst of a war, but I believe that it's more dangerous not to be."

What beautiful words!!! There is a war going on right now where people are being used as weapons. I believe people are (mostly) unknowingly assaulting others while turning a blind eye to the truth. People don't know who to trust or where to get reliable information. Uncertainty makes soldiers out of those who are reluctant to take a stand. It feels like a great escape to read about a "real" war, a more tangible war where each side is labeled and aware that a fight is afoot. I'm 40% of the way through the book and look forward to reading more. -------------------------------------------------------

Speaking of reading, it can be a clever teacher. I checked out a book, Electrical and Mechanical Engineering, from the library and knew I would not understand a great deal of it but I wanted to take on a challenge. I read a huge chunk of it word for word and did learn a little bit but decided to skim the rest of the topics. This way, I could get an idea of all the topics broadly without trying to push so much in areas that I didn't have enough knowledge to dive deeper into. I feel like I learned quite a bit this way. One thing that really stuck with me was a small blurb about the ghost town of Pripyat in Ukraine, a town evacuated after radioactive material was released in 1986. I wished I could know more about this town and what it was like today. Later that day, I was substituting a chemistry class and the teacher was having the class watch a video about uranium, which is radioactive. A bit into the video, the host visits Pripyat!!! I got to hear more about the situation, see the town as it is today, learn about radioactive levels there currently, and just get more insight about the whole thing. I couldn't believe it! I read more about it, too, when I got home and found out Pripyat is the town linked to Chernobyl, which is a place I had heard about.

Tipsies

Modern day tips baffle me. When it comes to tipping a server, I'm aware that they make such a small hourly wage that they really depend on tips to get by. I've always tipped as well as I can. When I have a really bad server and tip just 15% (only in dire situations where something went really wrong), I still feel a little bad. That's how I communicate service was bad. I don't just skip out on a tip altogether or anything like that. My hubster is the same. My daughter at times worries me she'll go homeless because she'd rather tip REALLY well than be able to afford her own groceries.

We don't have a problem with any of that. I have a job with Uber Eats and don't even make minimum wage unless people tip decent so I depend on tips to make any actual money. Even then, I know people pay a lot just to get their food delivered so if they don't tip, I don't take it personal. At times I work much less just because it can feel like I'm not making any money and I understand how much people can depend on tips to make out okay financially.

However, when I go someplace where it's $12 for a basic-sized sandwich and the worker specifically asks you for a tip, I hesitate. I'll be honest, I usually tip if I'm asked directly but I'm not proud of this. I feel bullied into tipping. I've met somebody who works for this particular sandwich shop and they make pretty good money for the industry as an hourly wage. They are not a waiter coming to my table to bring me things, checking up to see how things are going, or even cleaning up after me. I clean up after myself and throw my own garbage away. If they needed tips to survive, that's one thing but when they ask for tips on top of making a good wage and I just overpaid for a sandwich, I don't feel great about that combination. I was hesitant about paying for the sandwich there and don't go very often but if you add a tip, I really can't afford to ever eat there.

Our family has a drink establishment that we have been known to frequent. Their drinks are over-priced, just like most of the places where you would buy drinks outside of a grocery store. Their drinks are also delicious and difficult to replicate-we've tried!!! Not to mention, sometimes going there is a little about the drink and a lot about just going out for a drink or taking the kids for something special. We've reckoned with this and tried to find a balance with our visits and finances.

They recently started directly asking for tips when you order. Because one of our sons worked there this year, I know for a fact they pay decent wages. This makes me uncomfortable and I usually tip $1 if our order's less than $10 or 10% if it's more but I never feel good about it. I feel bullied into tipping when they make a living wage without tips. They have a tip jar. In the past, I have tipped several times when they seem like they really tried to help us have a good experience. Those are tips I feel great about. It's my way of communicating that they really did a good job. I didn't do it every time because they don't do a great job every time. Now I'm supposed to hand over extra money, before I even know how well they will do just because they asked for more? This makes going here anymore a near deal-breaker for me. I don't know what to do though. Are other people being guilted into tips, too? It seems a little cruel to the waiters that actually need tips to get by but this is just a dilemma I haven't totally figured out. The good news is that I'm not the most frequent visitor because I can't often afford the food prices to start with.

Group Mentality

I'm reading an amazing book, Quiet-The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. I checked it out of the library but because I want to re-read and underline SO MANY things already, I really need to buy it.

Right now, there's one particularly influential section of the book I want to summarize to remember. Solomon Asch did experiments in the 1950s about the dangers of group influence.

He gave individuals a simple test in which 95% of the testers answered all questions right. Influencers were planted in the groups to confidently give wrong answers and only 25% of the testers now answered everything correctly. In 2005 Gregory Berns decided to revise the study and do his own research with an fMRI machine. This way, we wouldn't just see whether people answered differently in a group than as individuals but we could also see brain activity to know about WHY people answer differently in groups.

Did people know they were giving the wrong answers and just conform or were people's perceptions altered? When people answered individually, there was activity in the occipital cortex and the parietal cortex, which are linked with visual & spacial perception and in the frontal cortex, which is linked with decision-making. IF people were knowingly conforming, the brain scans would show more activity in prefrontal cortex to show that they were making the decision to conform.

However what actually happened was activity was heightened more in the areas affecting perception and less in the frontal brain regions. Susan Cain, the author writes, "These early findings suggest that groups are like mind-altering substances. If the group thinks the answer is A, you're much more likely to believe that A is correct, too. It's not that you're saying consciously, "Hmm, I'm not sure, but they all think the answer's A, so I'll go with that." Nor are you saying, "I want them to like me, so I'll just pretend that the answer's A." No, you are doing something much more unexpected-and dangerous. Most of Bern's volunteers reported having gone along with the group because "they thought that they had arrived serendipitously at the same correct answer." They were utterly blind, in other words, to how much their peers had influenced them...

Remember that the volunteers in the Asch and Berns studies didn't always conform. Sometimes they picked the right answer despite their peers' influence. And Berns and his team found something very interesting about these moments. They linked heightened activation in the amygdala, a small organ in the brain associated with upsetting emotions such as the fear of rejection...Many of our most important civic institutions, from elections to jury trials to the very idea of majority rule, depend on dissenting voices. But when the group is literally capable of changing our perceptions,

and when to stand alone is to activate primitive, powerful, and unconscious feelings of rejection, then the health of these institutions seems far more vulnerable than we think." -------------------------This applies to certain aspects of my life right now that weigh on my mind but I want to remember this because I think it could be helpful in so many other situations, too. As a sidenote, the book doesn't bash on all group activities, it provides examples of when a group can be beneficial. This just shows that there is science and research to suggest that groups making big decisions as a group might not always yield the greatest results. It's funny that just after reading this, I was at church in a class that usually runs in a lecture-style format. This week, however, the teacher told everybody to get into groups of 3-5 people and I was the only one there from my family. "Get into a group..." are some of the most dreaded words of my life. I hated it all through the regular school years. I was relieved to go to college, only to discover many professors said those dreaded words there as well. When it gets said at church, I about have a breakdown because you should be free from that there...I not only survived the grouping but it actually turned out to be a good experience this time. For me, that amygdala activity and feeling negative emotions starts before the group even begins. When I hear that we have to get into a group, negative emotions flow. That situation is covered much more in depth in the book. It's a good one.

Life Changing

I have a brother who I talk with about money dreams. We buy lottery tickets together and enter contests to win houses from HGTV together and we like to talk about what we'd do if we won either. The homes are less money than the lottery but would still drastically alter what's possible for us and our families in our lifetime. He told me a while back that most people believe $10,000 would be a life-altering amount of money. I've been thinking about that lately.

$10,000 is a LOT of money, that's for sure. However, in my opinion, it can't set most people up for life. You can't pay off your house or take a long leave from employment or even travel for very long or very far before the money runs out. There are many educational programs it could pay for or pay a good chunk of and it's possible that could alter a life. Perhaps if you're in on some kind of entrepreneurial efforts or golden investment opportunity, that could turn out to be life changing.

I've been watching a lot of episodes of Undercover Boss. Lots of bosses have gifted people $10,000-$30,000. Most people use the money to buy reliable cars (which IS life-changing to an extent! After having unreliable cars for years, I can vouch for the value of that!) or they pay off medical bills. They take trips and pay for education. They start educational funds for their kids or pay for weddings. Those are consistent ways the money gets spent. I've had one time in my life that my husband and I each had that much money and could choose what to do with it. Our whole HVAC system in our home had to be replaced and for the most part, that's what my husband spent the money on. For my portion of the money, we spent months trying to find decent property for that price. We spent so many weekends checking out properties. Sadly, anything in the state that was under $15,000 was not really usable. It either was too remote to access or on too much of a slope to utilize or had other issues. We both loved the idea of having some property somewhere but it just never ended up being enough money to purchase property that could be used for anything practical without a significant amount of additional money being put into the pot.

In the end, I paid off a few personal accounts and got a couple smaller things for our kids that we can't normally get. I made a small investment, which is currently worth 9 times what I put in and spent the rest taking my family to New York and Canada to check seeing certain things together off my bucket list. I was careful in planning the trip and we went with a tour group and ended up also seeing some of Pennsylvania and Ohio, including a little bit of Amish country. On the way home, we got to stop in the Chicago Airport, which gave us one more state to be in for the trip. We really did get a lot of bang for our buck. I had priced it out if we had gone on our own without a tour group and it would have cost much more to see and experience all that we got to do. Being with a group saved money but had other downsides, such as we had no control whatsoever over what we saw or where we went or the timeline.

If I had the same amount of money again, what would I do with it? I don't know. I spent more than a year deciding and following through on everything the first time around and everything we did seemed like the best way to enrich and improve our lives as possible at the time. I have no regrets. Was it life-changing? I guess in some ways it was. I don't feel like we have a lot of tangible things from the money but we got to do things together that there simply was no other way to ever experience together otherwise. I could have never come up with that amount of money in my normal day-to-day life to do that. Is our life much different today than it was then because of the money? No. Our day-to-day living is still pretty much the same as it was before the money. I am indescribably grateful for the money and what it did for us. I would welcome the chance to have that kind of money again any day of the week. It's wonderful & helpful & exciting. Sometimes it just feels amazing to have some control over a little bit of what's possible in life for a while and planning how to use the funds feels like a hopeful time. My mind sometimes thinks if it was that wonderful to spend that amount of money, what would it feel like to actually win a house or the lottery? On a smaller scale though and for now, I'm interested in how other people would spend $10,000-$30,000.

It's even fun to see what other people would do with $100 extra. How does it change if it's $100 more every month? How about $1,000? Etc. My daughter said to me that she hears a lot of rich people say that money doesn't solve their problems and that they have the same amount of problems. She says she would really like to have money then, too so she could have the same amount of problems but could also have money. Ha ha ha!

Frugal vs. Cheap

I love all the shows about people saving money from extreme couponers to the newer "So Freakin' Cheap" and everything in between. I have a beautiful matriarchal lineage of women who know how to enjoy life with very little funding. The thing all of these shows make clear to me is this: you can live an amazing life & be frugal, always being creative & resourceful to stretch every penny. However when saving money comes at the expense of people's feelings, you're just being cheap & not enriching life experiences. There are people that want you to spend until you're broke & that still won't be enough & that's not what I mean. If your kids or spouse live in constant embarrassment by all of your money-saving tactics or you draw unnecessary negative attention to them by going extreme to save marginal amounts of money, that's just being cheap. Teaching your kids the value of money & how to make it feel like more while loving them & considering their feelings is a great way to be frugal.

Intelligence

First of all, I posted the title as "intelligence" and then wondered if it was spelled right. Ironic, isn't it? I've been thinking about two kinds of non-human intelligence. First is dogs. I love them. I watch our little weiner, Charlie, and he has a very different personality and set of rules for all 5 people in our family, including our daughter that doesn't even live here. He plays with each of us differently. For instance, he brings me toys and expects me to chase him. He runs into our bedroom when the hubbie's there and looks up at the bed repeatedly to get him to put him up and slide his hands under the blanket for him to attack. He does different things with each of our kids. He licks or doesn't lick, depending on how we react to it. He bites soft or never bites at all, again depending on how we react. He lets each of us hold him in different ways. He relaxes differently around each one of us. When I really watch and think about it, I'm impressed that he remembers so many various little details that pertain to each of us and he keeps them straight every time, never mixing up his behavior between us. That is one way that I'm dazzled by his smarts. (I should really upload a few pics of him but I always write these when I'm too lazy for things like that.)

The other thing is that I think there's a higher level of plant intelligence than what is widely acknowledged. We've had home gardens for the last 16 years. I see new weeds nearly every year and there is often something new that imitates another plant we have. When I first see it, I don't pull it out right away because it will look close to something we want. Once I figure out that weed and attempt to have it under control, the next year there will be something new that looks like something else we've planted and want. There's this tricky plant evolution that happens in our yard year after year. It's tough to look at all the times I've seen this happen and discount intelligence to plant life, even though it does seem a little far-fetched. I googled this really fast and saw there are many others who have hypothesized this, done studies, made YouTube videos, etc. so I guess it's not really all that crazy after all. It's just an interesting and powerful thing to witness.

There isn't much more to say, just wanted to muse about a couple of the ways I've witnessed forms of intelligence lately. I have also thought about human intelligence-it's a complicated thing. What are the markers for an intelligent person? The definition is somebody who acquires and applies knowledge and skills. How useful do the knowledge & skills need to be to fall into this category? How eccentric and misunderstood can somebody be and still be considered by the average peers to be intelligent? I've thought a great deal about technological intelligence, which is also complicated. Machines can be programmed to acquire and apply knowledge and in some cases skills as well. When is the line crossed between programming and a true independent intelligence?

There are some fascinating theories, experiments, and YouTube videos about that as well. I won't ever have it figured out but sometimes the journey of just trying to answer the questions can be a fun one.

Sacrifice

The best indication of how somebody feels about you is their willingness to sacrifice. Sacrifice isn't doing nice things that are convenient, although that is lovely.

It's doing things for you that aren't quick, convenient, or easy. When somebody has plenty going on in their own life and they sit with you for an hour because they know you're really sad or when somebody makes a homemade treat just because they know you love it, those are big and meaningful ways to show love. When somebody takes a day off from doing a hobby they normally do to specifically spend the time with you or when they ask for your input on a big decision and let you have an equal say, those are empowering things. When somebody does a hobby you like that they don't, it's easy to see that they must really love you.

When somebody lets you talk as long as you need about something that hurts, those are all great ways to sacrifice in a way that shows love. I don't always offer those things to other people, although I try. Sometimes I get busy or don't think about certain things and I don't sacrifice enough to send a clear message of love to my loved ones. This makes it easy for me to understand that people don't mean ill if they don't sacrifice for you. However, many examples of sacrifices I wrote about are things I don't actually experience very often so I'm not well-acquainted with what they feel like but I see some people do those things for others and I like to imagine what it would feel like if it were a regular thing. I have spent a lot of time feeling like something was missing from my life and now I can put my finger on it: sacrifice. Part of it is that I don't want to put anybody out ever so I haven't always allowed others to sacrifice for me.

I know now that without seeing somebody sacrifice for you regularly in some way, it's hard to feel like a priority. It also makes it easier to know that the Savior showed love in the greatest manner because he sacrificed his life. His level of sacrifice makes it impossible to question His love. This is what I've been considering lately.

Shift in Disagreements

Early on in my marriage, our disagreements were things like "You work too much" & the response "I'm building a career and establishing job security."

We didn't always see eye to eye about which extended family we'd be spending holidays or other events with. This weekend, I saw a real shift in things. Our only disagreement was about how nanobots and nanoparticles work. Last week I'd heard about some uses for them and my husband said there's no cost efficient way to power them for the uses I talked to him about. I spent some time learning more about the subject and told my husband all the ways they could be powered and he said just because they technically can be powered in those ways, it doesn't mean that it's to a point that they are being used in those ways. He pointed out the roadblocks that widespread use of nanotechnology would present.

I sat there for a minute and couldn't remember the last time we'd disagreed about getting together with extended family or the last time I gave him a hard time about his work schedule, even though he's recently been working another job, too. We never argue about toothpaste or toilet seats or what to watch or where to go for dinner. However, we can have a fired-up go-round about nanotechnology. That's a funny and entertaining twist of fate.

Narcissism

I stumbled across a psychologist that does YouTube videos about mental health. Some of his videos were just what I needed to understand some of the people in my life. He does several videos on narcissism and just to hear him so eloquently discuss this and the damage it causes felt incredible. It's nice to pinpoint moments in time in which we feel understood.

Everybody who knows one particular member of the extended family knows and agrees he's a narcissist but I didn't know it was a mental health disorder or that there have been studies that document the harm it does to others in the family. This has been helpful & eye-opening! The videos themselves were enlightening but I'm a comments girl. I come for the information and stay for the comments and they did not disappoint.

Some people talked about getting these people out of their lives completely and some talk about finding ways to deal with these people but create a little bit of distance. The doctor has a particular video about how to deal with them but all the efforts are actually a little bit exhausting and I've tried several of them in the past. He said one particular thing that really sticks with me: Narcissism is the only mental health condition that doesn't do any harm to the person who has it but it does a lot of harm to everybody else around them.

It's also one of hardest conditions to treat because those with it don't think there's anything wrong with them and they don't suffer from it personally. There's a funny thing though. I feel so much better after watching several of these videos. Nothing in my life changed. Feeling understood just made me feel more capable of dealing with everything and some burdens were lightened. That's kind of like real-life magic!

Some thoughts that aren't very organized...

I started reading Skip College, a book by Connor Boyack. When I got through the first chapter, which is written by John Taylor Gatto, I learned how we got the school system we have today. I learned the intended purpose was to produce obedient soldiers. It's well written but frustrating to fully consider.

As I did think about the things written and felt them ring true, I considered other things going on in my life. I considered our older children, their fights with the education system, employment, & independence. Our daughter moved out to live with a roommate. She enjoys her independence, especially not having to follow our house rules. This is giving her an opportunity to make her own rules and live according to her own thoughts and convictions. I want this for her.

She was also having some personality clashes with some family members. Sometimes these clashes affect us all because we're all there to feel the tension. This is often a larger part of family dynamics. However, things have been so rough for her financially. I don't have the perfect solution for her. She's always welcome to live here rent free with meals & it can ease some economical burdens but that alone might not best meet all of her current needs & wants. My son is sneaking into adulthood & considering his future. He has mentioned wanting to live at home for a while to save up but still wanting to move out to live on his own eventually. He's in less of a hurry to get out than my daughter.

For me growing up, I had conflicts with my dad that pushed me toward a need for independence and I went away to college right off. I wanted to be with my mom longer and I was trying to make careful financial decisions so I ended up with my parents for a bit after I got divorced. I did end up moving out as soon as I had a sound chance to do so & I really enjoyed living on my own with my daughter. These are just some of the personal circumstances that I consider as I really look to the bigger picture of understanding reasons for independence but wondering if extended families are meant to stay together in units as in days gone by???

Do the benefits of independence outweight the consequences of separation? Historically speaking, extended families have stayed together for far longer than they've separated. Even olden-day circumstances result in separation at times such as when Cain & his family departed for good from the rest of Adam & Eve's family. There are times when it's necessary for a split but there seems to be many benefits from staying together. Some people don't have the drive to go out and do everything it takes to make it on their own. I'm not talking about people unwilling to work who just want to be supported by others but people who do work hard but enjoy the community of extended family.

If people don't have the desire to just completely split, is that really so wrong or is it just fine to stay close to an ongoing support system for the long haul? To live long-term in an extended family scenario, there would be some basic principles for success. It takes boundaries, communication, and healthy life management tactics to build a utopian family setting, which never goes perfectly for any family. Families that can't do this and cause more damage than help wouldn't be the right fit. I guess I'm doing a poor job of expressing my thoughts with clarity so I will try one more time to summarize. I read about early education and it had a purpose of spreading ideas of "how life should be lived", using the education system to sell a proposed model of what life should be like. It wasn't the perfect model and it didn't derive from pure motives but it was presented, embraced, and implemented successfully. People are now being taught in school and in society "how life should be lived." One thing that is strongly pushed today is for people to live independently. There's this idea that becoming an adult means moving away from your family to make it on your own.

I just wonder how much of "how life should be lived" is propaganda. Why should families have to separate and live on their own? Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it does more harm than good but often times it can create a loving environment and sense of community that I think many kids miss out on today. Independence is sometimes just a form of separation, which creates isolation and loneliness. As my own children head into adulthood, their personalities, thoughts, and preferences are the main framework for how independently they do or will choose to live. However, if they ever do choose to embrace lingering in an extended family situation, I would want to view it as a strength and just one more way things can be done, not as a weakness that means they're not strong enough to branch out on their own.

Alligators and the 2nd Amendment

I do think people should have the right to own a gun, especially if it's nothing too crazy but something they can hunt with or use to feel like they can protect their family.

I've changed my personal stance about the use of a gun. I spent a lot of my younger years thinking I couldn't have shot somebody. However, once I had kids, I felt that if somebody messed with them, I wouldn't hesitate to use a gun on them. A few years ago, when my daughter was in a very compelling philosophy class, we started to discuss several thing related to this. I didn't change my stance right away but I thought about some aspects of it in a new way.

I went into parent-teacher conferences and met with her philosphy teacher and we randomly engaged in a thorough discussion about owning and using a gun. I again didn't change my mind right away but let the information simmer within me. He had some very interesting perspectives, which I won't attempt to summarize here because it was just too many points to cover in a short writing. Over time, I did start to feel like I had the answers and information I needed to let go of my willingness to use a gun on somebody. I know my own brain and don't know that I could live with the consequences of shooting somebody. I can still shoot a gun and go every once in a while with my brother and enjoy it. I still believe others should get to make this choice for themselves. There's one piece of information that came up this week that solidifies my belief in the 2nd amendment: did you know that alligators can climb trees?

That's not a problem where I live. I live in a desert. But that is a problem for people in Florida and that alone will make me a lifelong supporter of the right to bear arms! Alligators can climb trees! Yikes!

Do People Who Made Bad Choices Eternally Twiddle their Thumbs?

Lately I'm trying to wrap my brain around the way that I've come to understand the plan of salvation.

It's my own understanding that people who did their personal best and maintained faith in Jesus Christ get exalted, can stay in a family unit, "build their mansion in heaven" so to speak, and eventually create their own worlds and move onward and upward.

I don't have a problem with any of this. However, I've started thinking about people who didn't quite follow through with their personal best or possibly even willfully rebelled. It's been my understanding that they suffer eternally. I understand this to an extent. They would really understand the weight of poor choices (if they knew any better to start with) and they would face consequences for their actions. However, now I have more questions. In the grand scheme of things, do they ever create things on the other side or are they prevented from creating there?

What do they spend their time doing? We're often told that people are so busy on the other side and we're even given ideas of what they might be doing but those are the people busy "furthuring the Lord's work." What is everybody else doing? If they aren't able to create or be productive in some way, what's the point of this punishment eternally?

I understand a punishment but if the goal is to build and increase and improve, why would a whole group of people be eternally incapable of contributing to these tasks? I realize my understanding is infantile and incomplete so this is likely not to be something I get to fully grasp here and the answer may be complex. However, I read this scripture this week: Alma 34:33..."And now, as I said unto you before, as ye have had so many witnesses, therefore, I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed." This DOES sound like those in this predicament don't get to work and build and create on the other side. It makes me wonder so much what they do.

I have many things I'm trying to come to an understanding of and this is just one that I remembered to write about. I would like to be better at finding answers.