When I Just Can't Retire This Thing

The best thing about still blogging long past the time when it's cool, is that I've pretty much lost my readers so now I feel like I can write just for therapy. If anybody does read it, then ha ha-look at both of us still lolly-gagging in the blogging world. I don't do social media so I know this is weird but sometimes it feels good to put things out into the universe, even if nobody ever stumbles upon it. My dad cut me out of his life 2 years ago and said I should live in a separate world from him. About a year ago, he said things are cool (& that we probably both have plenty to apologize for). I can just come over whenever. It was really hurtful to have a parent tell me to take a hike from their life for no logical reason and then to go a year and have him be like, "hey, you should come by."

He refused to understand that kicking your kid out of your life hits a nerve and that I didn't just jump at the chance to come back over. I rarely hear from him but he sent an e-mail this week that said, "Your lives weren't that bad and in fact they were way better than you are willing to show." Which part of my life did he think wasn't that bad? Being sexually assaulted by him before I was 8 years old? Being told that I'm lying about the sexual assault? Being punched in the face by him? Being told I was the reason that his life wasn't going how he wanted it to? Being told I was stupid? He wouldn't let me sign up for community track, which was $25 and I would have been able to go to 8 track meets and get a T-shirt yet he was training teenage girls at the time in running. He bought one of the girls $70 shoes so somebody that's not his daughter is worth casually spending nearly 3 times as much as he would spend on his own daughter. Actually, he wouldn't spend anything on me so every cent he spent on her was more than he was willing to spend on his own daughter. Those are messages that were constantly sent to me that left a deep impression. I have so much trauma associated with my birthday because of how he acted about it and it's taken me a lot of work to not just wish I wasn't alive on each birthday. How about when he tried to groom my own daughter and started hunting her down at the bus stop so I couldn't even let her take the bus to school? Is that part of my life not being so bad? I had to drive her every time both to and from school to protect her from Grandpa. He called me to complain about her behavior and got mad when I took her side. How far from reality have you gotten when you can't understand why somebody who's been molested by you won't help you molest their child? Was it not so bad that he did whatever he wanted and left my mom to take care of a house and 5 kids by herself so much of the time? He could hunt or run or golf as much as he wanted but my mom better be home fixing meals and making sure he didn't have to care for us. He told her he'd give her a certain amount for groceries each month (which wasn't that much) but if he overspent, he didn't give her money at all and yet she had to feed and clothe 5 kids. She ran a craft business that kept her up all night and made her do a lot of work setting up and taking down craft shows all the time just so she'd have enough to give us food consistently and buy us some clothes. Was that not so bad?

And it's not just that money was tight. He had all the money in the world to get new cars every few months, take neighbors to dinner (his treat) all the time, and showboat in ways that would bring him praise but just not enough to worry about feeding his kids. I asked him to come to many things going on for school and he always said no. In high school, he came to the award ceremony for one debate meet when I got an award (he was there for maybe 20 minutes tops) and reminds me of "how supportive he's always been, even showing up for my debate meets and all kinds of things." Was it not that bad when he almost left our family for my brother's fiancee? Or that if a friend ever called for me when he was home, he told them that I have a family and don't need them and they should never call again? I still hear about him bad-mouthing me to other family members every chance he gets and cutting me out of his will (which doesn't bother me) and saying how bad I've turned out and how little I understand about life. I would write all of this to him if I thought for one second he would read it and consider what I'm saying but I know from past experience that he won't. And in spite of all of these examples of how he's acted (and this just scratches the surface), he said my behavior is pathetic. Hmmm...I guess I'll stick with what the Fresh Prince of Bel Air claimed, "Parents just don't understand."